Thoughts Of A Fevered Mind

IC Time: May 18-20th
Location: Bella and Edward's Room
Synopsis: A series of impressions of Bella's change from her point of view, not a log per se.
Submitted by: Bella

May 18th

Everything hurts, I feel trapped in fire and pain. I want to yell that they need to give me more drugs, but I can't move my lips, I can't move my arms. I feel a prisoner in my own body.
Where is Edward's cool hands to take the fire away. I think I hear his voice but it sounds a million miles away. Why am I here…focus Bella. Focus Focus…I went to have lunch with my Parents…pain…the last meal with my parents now. I will never be able to eat with them again. Focus Bella…what happened next…focus..Pain. I came home and there was the wreck in the driveway, dead deer. Dead dear. I swerved. It wasn't dead this time. I was talking to Jake and it sprung to life in front of me! I thought it was dead. Carlisle killed it. EDWARD STOP THE PAIN! Can you hear me! If only I could move I could release the pain, the fire burning in my limbs, in my body ,in my heart. There was a needle, I was so scared. I never saw a needle so big. It was big as the branch in my chest. My chest hurts so much, it hurts on the wrong side. it hurts on both sides. Where is the sound, the beating the beating. There it is…my heart …but it sounds wrong. Focus…slow it down, don't let the fire consume me…

May 19th Am

I feel as if I should die, burnt to charcoal, burnt to ash! I want to die, I want the pain to end. There is nothing but pain, but agony, the fire burning through my body. Burning in my shoulder, fueled by the wood that tried to kill me! There was no blood just the branch sticking out of my chest, why couldn't they fix me? Fix me instead of this agony! I thought I was prepared, but I didn't think I would be burned alive! I knew there would be pain but this puts every pain I have ever experienced so far beyond. Edward save me…kill me…end this…pull me out of the fire. Edward…no I can't die, then he would. I must endure.

May 19th Pm

Something is changing. The smoke is clearing from the fire. I can feel the fire everywhere focused in two spots on my chest. My heart and where the wood is, still burning like charcoal. Somehow I can think around it now. Perhaps I am getting used to it. My heart sounds wild, frantically beating away against the pain.
The morphine…I feel like I can move my limbs again, but will that hurt more? Will I just stir the flames if I do. My throat feels free, I could scream now. Scream for Edward to save me! I can't, he can't save me from the fire. Edward…I am glad you can not experience this with me but I wish you could be here with me…what is that…I feel a touch. His touch? His hand on mine. Has it ever left, has that cool presence ever left me?

He is speaking…words…familiar…shakespare. Iambic pentameter…I focus on the rythm of each line. On his voice, which is like music in this darkness. da dum da dum…I wish I could lose myself completely to that voice, let him know I hear him. I can hear the anguish in the words, but if I open my mouth I might scream. I wish I could tell him his words help, to keep talking.

1,235 beats later..I hear more voices.
Jacob? The burning, it won't stop! Was it this way for you, did you burn for days? For a lifetime! Oh Edward…Charlene? They talking about Charlene? My cousin is ill? What is happening? I want to talk to ask them, this is frustrating, but I would hurt them with my screams. Edward can't know the pain I am in! Oh Esme…is that your touch, your gentle touch. Hold Edward for me! Carlisle are you there, can you give me more? I don't know how long I can hold the pain in, but I dare not show it!

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